Know Your Stars
by CrystaliziedRose
Summary: Know your stars is here to fufill your bashing needs! Read as Inuyasha, Kagome, Miroku, Sango, Shippo and many others are beautifully bashed! CHAPTER 11! Kanna's gone Kerazy!
1. Kouga

Crystal: Hey, we're back with a new and improved Know your Stars!

Phoenix: We've made it so it can't be deleted though. But we can't remember some of the chappies! We'd appreciate it if you could review and tell us!

Crystal: YAY!

* * *

"Know your Stars, Know your Stars, Know your Stars..." The Announcer's voice rang out. 

"Who the heck are you?" Kouga said, looking around.

"None of your freakin' business! _That _is who I am!"

Kouga growled.

"Kouga…..he wears a skirt 'cause he likes the breeze."

"I do not! I wear it because it attracts the ladies!"

"Sure…..I bet you have a lot of girls looking up your skirt…."

Kouga huffed angrily. "I do!"

"And they would see….nothing?"

"…Shut up…." Kouga said, turning away.

"Kouga….he's a girl in disguise."

"I am not! I'm a manly man!" Kouga struck a pose.

"Mm, sure. Kouga…has imaginary squirrel friend."

"How do you know about George! He only talks to me!"

"…………."

Kouga scoffed superiorly. "That's what I thought."

"Kouga….He pushed Kagome off a cliff."

"NOOO! Kagome!" He ripped off an imaginary shirt.

"That's it." An anvil dropped on Kouga's head. On the anvil it said, _Acme Corporations_.

Kouga grasped his head. "My knee! My knee!"

And the camera blanked out.

* * *

**The Cooking Show (It's good to be back)**

Crystal: Due to a low budget you shall watch me whisk to my hearts content.

Mysterious shadow sneaks up behind her. (Since mysterious shadow is so damn long it will now be referred as M.S)

M. S: (Raise random knife) Put a knife in your back and the blood runs down.

Crystal: Hi Phoenix! (Waves to no one in particular)

Phoenix: (Hides knife) Umm….. hi! Go back to whisking. I need to finish up ……….my cooking?

Crystal: Okay! (Whisks away)

Phoenix: (Raises knife)

Camera blanks out. Sirens are heard.

* * *

REVIEW. Even if you already read it before. Please? We might do a reviewer's response thingy thing...maybe...(Shifty eyes)  



	2. Inuyasha

Crystal: HIII!

Phoenix: This is it! The INUYASHA CHAPTER!

Crystal: YAY! We can have a LOT of fun with this…hehehehehehehe…..

**Disclaimer: If we owned Inuyasha….well, let's just _bad_ things would happen…**

* * *

"Know your Stars, Know your Stars, Know your Stars." The Announcers voice rang out.

"Hey, who's there?" Inuyasha yelled taking out his Tetsusaiga.

"Put it down, we all know you need it to 'compensate' for something else."

"WHAT!"

"Sit down and shut up. Inuyasha…..he's a girl."

"I am not! If I was a girl could I do this?" Inuyasha gave his sweet smile that melted the audience.

"…..AW! I want you!"

All of a sudden Phoenix and Crystal appeared. "Back off! He's ours!...not really…but we like to think that way!"

"I belong to no one!" Inuyasha screamed.

Kagome appeared with a chainsaw. "Say that again?"

"……."

"That's what I thought." And she walked backstage.

Everyone disappeared.

"Inuyasha…..he's cheating on Kagome with Kagura." The Announcer said.

"No, Sango! I mean-"

(From somewhere backstage someone yelled. "Help, Miroku fainted!")

"Inuyasha….he's a cat."

"OH! That's a sin! I am not a cat! I'm a dog!"

Kagome reappeared. "We know."

"Don't hate the playa hate the game!"

"Ok….." The Announcer looked at him, "Where'd you get that?"

"Souta, the kid knows ALL!"

"…..Inuyasha…he has a tail."

"I do?" Inuyasha looked into his pants, "But what's it doing in the front?"

"This is too weird. I'm outtie, yo."

* * *

**Cooking Show**

Crystal: Welcome to our cooking show. Today we'll be making Anime stew!

Phoenix: First off is 2 Shippo's! (Pulls out two crying Shippo's) Next, some clay of Kikyo. (She pulled out some clay in the form of the pot.) This is to make it bitter. Next is 3 mini-Inuyasha's! (Pulls out baby Inuyasha's) And end it with the arm of Kagome. (Pulls out Kagome's arm and puts it in the pot.)

Crystal: Now, you cook at 350- (Kagome's arm grabs her) Bad arm! Down! Down! (Beats arm with wooden spoon)

Phoenix: And THAT is how you make Anime stew. We are not responsible for any……feelings this stew might induce… (Shifty eyes)

Crystal: We aren't going to update until we have….5 reviews. Yes, I'm threatening you. Whatcha gonna do about it? (A rock hits her on the head and knocks her out)

Phoenix: ….I guess you could do that…..( Starts to drag Crystal's body away)

Crystal: …..Mommy….chocolate….evil…BOINGITY BOINGITY BOING!

Phoenix: That's random! YAY!

**Review Responses**

Phenomenon: Crystal: (Turns to Phoenix) Was that us?

Phoenix: Nope. It must've been someone else!

Crystal: Oh okay! Thanks for the review!


	3. Miroku, Sango and Shippo 3 for 1

Hey I'm back with my cousin Amber! (Phoenix couldn't be here.) So have fun and laugh and RRRREEEVVIIEEW! 

Disclaimer: We don't own any of the characters We torture.

* * *

The Scary Anonymous Voice filled the studio. "Know Your Stars, Know Your Stars, Know Your Stars."

"Now that Inu-boy is gone to the nuthouse in the sky I'll torture someone new……….Sango!" The Announcer said.

The curtains open showing a confused Sango.

Sango looked around. "Where am I?" She reaches for her boomerang, but it is not there.

Announcer sighed. "Tsk, tsk. Sango, really, do you really think I am stupid enough to let you have your boomerang."

"Uh……yes?"

"Well, you were wrong. Anyway," He cleared his throat. "Sango……………gropes women."

"No, that's Miroku, go get him!"

"He's right behind you!"

Sango turned around. "No he's not!" She kept searching behind her.

"I'm right here!"

"Where!" she turned back around, "Ack!" Slapping sounds echoed through the air.

The Announcer stared. "O……Kay, Security!" Loud noises of struggles and Miroku screaming started.

"Bring in the next victim…I mean guest!"

Shippo walked in, happily. "Hi!" he sucked on lollipop from land of nowhere.

"Must…resist…cuteness!"

"What happened to Miroku and Sango?"

The Announcer hesitated. "Sango needed let off a little steam."

"What about Miroku?"

"Uh…….She needed to let off a little steam ON Miroku!"

Shippo stopped sucking on his lollipop (So many things wrong with that sentence) to stare into the camera. "But what about the big burly men I saw with them!"

"They're right beside me!"

"Why?"

The Announcer had shifty eyes. "No reason…."

"What about Inuyasha?"

"Uh…he was disposed of?" The Announcer said, slowly inching towards the off button of the camera.

"OHHHHHHHHHHH, you mean you killed him."

"WHAT! No! I refuse to answer any questions 'till my lawyer gets here!"

"Okay! Bye bye!" Shippo left the stage, skipping happily

* * *

Crystal: W-w-well t-t-t-that's a-a-all f-f-folks!

Amber: C ya next time! Always loving Chad!

Phoenix: I'm hoooooooommmee!

Crystal: ACK! Amber, hide! (Pushes amber into closet)

Phoenix: Are you writing a chapter?

Crystal: (Nods)

Amber: (Thumps in the closet)

Phoenix: What's that? (Opens closet) OH! Amber!

Crystal: Let me explain-

Phoenix: I understand! You're cheating on me with this…..chapter stealer!

Crystal: No!

Phoenix: Good bye! (Walks out)

Crystal:……Did anybody notice how messed up that was?

**Review Responses**

Alchemistangel: Crystal: Yeah, that would be a good idea…..

Phoenix: Too bad you're to dumb to realize that!

Crystal: Shut up! (Knocks Phoenix out)


	4. Kagome

Hi, we're back. But no worries at least I got this out right? o

Crystal: Shut up!

Phoenix: No, you shut up!

Crystal: No, you shut up!

Phoenix: I know where you live!

Crystal: Remind me to lock my doors.

* * *

Phoenix looked into the camera. "Know your stars Know your stars Know your…oooh, candy!"

"You don't sound like the one who made Kouga run off and marry one of his wolves." Kagome said.

"The old announcer has been….replaced," Phoenix said with shifty eyes. "Anyways……Kagome……..she steals from the elderly."

"No! I steal from the Government!"

All of a sudden 3 Shady guys barged in and dragged Kagome through a door.

"No! Please!"

BANG BANG BANG! A loud scream was heard and Kagome came back in with bloody clothes.

Phoenix sweatdropped.

"Hi I'm back! What happened here?" Crystal cried, coming into the studio.

Phoenix shrugged, "Usual stuff, murder, guns and a few dead people."

"Who got killed?"

"Just a few government agents."

Crystal threw up a fist. "Right On!"

"Kagome…….is Brittney Spears in disguise"

"That explains a lot." Crystal nodded.

Kagome pointed gun at camera. "Come again?"

"Nothing, nothing at all."

Kagome smiled cheerfully. "That's what I thought."

"O…….K? Kagome……….Is a psycho stalker."

"And who do I stalk?"

Crystal coughed, "Hojou!" She coughed some more. That is, until she coughed up a hairball.

Phoenix looked at Crystal. "Where'd that come from?"

"Nowhere! I didn't eat a cat! What are you talking about?"

Phoenix stared.

"…..Shut up."

"Have you noticed our victim has disappeared?"

Crystal turned around to see Kagome was gone. "Oh!"

"Guess that's it! C ya later!"

* * *

Crystal: Welcome to our cooking show! I wonder where Phoenix is.

Phoenix: Hey! I'm right here!

Crystal: Anyhoo, let's teach these people to make Shippo bears!

Phoenix: First, take Shippo. (Picks up Shippo)

Shippo: Put me down, you mean ladies!

Crystal: (Tears up) That is the nicest thing _anyone _has ever said! (Stuffs him into grater)

Phoenix: heheheehehehe. (Turns it on)

Shippo: AHH! I'm being sliced up! …….Actually, that doesn't feel that bad….now it does! AH! AH!

Crystal: (Takes him out) Now, put him in a jelly roll in the shape of a bear! (Puts him in a jelly roll)

Phoenix: And you have Shippo bears!

Crystal: Can I eat him?

Phoenix: Hell no, I am!

Crystal: I guess we have to do something about that. (takes out bazooka)

Phoenix: Never mind you can eat him.

Crystal: Thanks! (Happy)

Phoenix: Backing away…………(Backs away then leaves)

Crystal: We're being threatened by an evil sister who makes out with computers.

Phoenix: And this is our last chance to get this chappie out before we're kicked off.

****


	5. Sesshychan!

Phoenix: I forgot to mention this in the last chappie but, we would have updated sooner, but Crystal couldn't come over, but basically, IT'S ALL HER FAULT! (Points accusing finger at her)

Crystal No, it was TV's fault.

Phoenix: How dare you insult the TV (TV's feelings are hurt, so Phoenix calms it down)

Crystal: Actually it was Kikyo's fault she needed major bashing.

Phoenix: Oh, okay. Yay!

Crystal: Yay what?

Phoenix: We just played 'Pin the Blame on someone'

Crystal: Yes, Indeed.

* * *

Sssshy-kun

The Announcer grinned. "That's right I'm back! How? It's a little thing called blackmail! Anyway, Know your stars, Know your stars, Know your stars……….yeah that's right I said the WHOLE thing."

Sesshy turned away. "Fool, aren't you supposed to be torturing me or something."

"Sesshy………..he's in love with Jaken."

Sesshy stared coldly and somewhere a kitty dies. "Actually I'm in love with a table."

"Really?"

"No, I'm in love with Rin."

The Announcer sighed. "Aw, damn that would have made a juicy scandal."

"What's that supposed to mean to me idiotic vermin?"

"I was paid to say that. That's the only reason I do this job. So you're a pedophile?" (A/N: Don't worry; he'll be whipped, slowly.)

Sesshy glared. "I am not, Rin is actually 25."

"Wow, what kind of cream does she use?"

"She uses the…" He continued chattering with the Announcer about cosmetics.

Crystal and Phoenix popped up. "Get back to work!"

"Fine! Sesshy…..he wears make-up."

"I thought we already went through that?"

The Announcer ignored that. "Sesshy……….he's gay."

"I……..experimented."

"Sesshy……..made out with Ah-Un."

He shuddered. "Yes, but I ended that after he set the inside of my mouth on fire."

"Sesshy………he plays with dolls."

"I do not……….they're action figures."

"Sesshy…………he was born out of a crocodile."

Sesshy thought for a moment. "Actually, out of a crocodile demon."

"You're no fun!" Footsteps echoed and then silence.

* * *

**Cooking Show**

Crystal: WELCOME! Today we'll be making (Shifty eyes) Banana pie.

Phoenix: That's right! Banana pie!

Crystal: First we take the bananas and….stuff it down Inuyasha's throat! (Stuffs banana's down Inuyasha's throat)

Inuyasha: Guuuuug.

Phoenix: What's that? You want more? (Stuffs more bananas down his throat)

Crystal: And some down his pants!

Inuyasha: (Whimper) Nooo! (Takes off pants)

Phoenix: (Drool)

Crystal: Gaaahhhh….

Inuyasha: ….

Phoenix: (Attacks)

Crystal: (Closes door) This might take awhile…..

**Review Responses**

**To Kane**

Phoenix: Idea!

Crystal: Goooood idea!

Phoenix: Yeaaaah.

Crystal: Yeaaaah.

Phoenix: Duuuuuuude

Crystal: Duuuuuuude

Phoenix: Even the what.

Crystal: Even the what?

Phoenix: Even the what.

Crystal: Even the WHAT?

Phoenix: EVEN THE WHAT!

Crystal: Ohh, even the what…..Thank you for the review Kane!


	6. Rin

Hi, we're baaaaaaaaaaaaccccccckkkkkkk! Love this chappy, please (puppy dog eyes)

Disclaimer: Inuyasha belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and if we did own him Inuyasha and Kagome would have gotten together the 1st episode.

Phoenix: And I didn't know this until I watched ' Kagome's Voice & Kikyo's

Kiss'.

Crystal: It was soooooooo obvious.

Phoenix: No it wasn't. Just to let you know from now on weekly updates bec-

Crystal: YAY!

Phoenix: (sweatdrop) Because since this fic is totally random w- CRYSTAL COM BACK HERE!

* * *

**The truth told by Rin**

"Know you stars, Know your stars, Know your st- Beyblades on!"

Rin looked into the camera. "Hello? Mister?"

"Hmm? Oh yeah. Rin…………is a 25 year old woman."

"How'd you know? Did Sesshy-babe tell you?" Rin said as her voice deepened.

"Rin……" All of sudden loud choking noises and mumbles were heard.

"Now we are going to be taking over this interview/torture!" Phoenix voice filled the room.

Crystal nodded beside her, smiling cheerfully. "It's more fun that way!"

"Ahem, Rin……….." Phoenix started.

"Is a drug dealer."

Rin gasped. "Lies," She lowered her voice to a whisper. "Shut up; you're going to get me busted!"

Phoenix nodded feverishly (Whoa, big word). "Damn straight! Drugs suck!"

"Aren't you high right now?"

"No, I'm not drinking a spiked margarita. You're crazy Rin, stop being so crazy!" Phoenix giggled nervously.

Crystal interrupted, taking the drink from Phoenix in the process. "Shut up Phoenix." All of a sudden she smiled cheerfully. "Ahem, Rin…………..Phoenix!"

"Huh? Oh uh ... is a child molester. Doesn't explain a lot...give me back my drink."

Crystal shook her head. "No. Plus, it's weird cuz she looks like a kid."

Rin spoke up. "I am young looking because-"

"Plastic surgery?" Phoenix guessed.

"Probably to hide your true identity as………… Norman Siptzkick!" Crystal added.

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

Rin sweatdropped. "Where'd you learn that?"

Phoenix looked around. "Um? Nowhere," She leaned over to whisper to Crystal. "Good thing we have good sources."

Crystal whispered back. "Shut up, don't tell her that we have her mom tied up against there will in this room."

"And that we like pudding."

"….."

Rin strained to hear. "What?"

"Nothing!" Phoenix giggled nervously.

"Really, because it sounds like you have someone tied up against their will in your- (BANG!)"

Crystal hid gun behind her back. "Well, that's all folks!"

* * *

Crystal: welcome to our cooking show we'll be making Bishi biscuits! Life-size or min-size, Phoenix? 

Phoenix: Mini-size is no fun. Life-size good.

Crystal: Good.

Phoenix: First take some dough.

Crystal: Then put a bishie in the dough push him hard so he leaves an imprint.

Phoenix: Like Koga! Koga is a bishie- (rants on that Koga is a bishie and people who don't know that suck)

Crystal: Then leave them in the imprinted form.

Phoenix: Put imprinted dough on top and bottom will be left alone.

Crystal: Sprinkle topping of your choice and cook for 20 minutes.

Phoenix: And Voila!

Crystal: Do you even know what that means?

Phoenix: Of course! (Grabs dictionary from shelf.)

Crystal: Well anyway! THE END!

* * *

**Reviewer Responses**

**Aria Michelle**:

Crystal: Me too!

Phoenix: I like stuffing Inuyasha's pants with (Whispers) mace.

Crystal: ……

**Kagome's Girl**:

Crystal: Not the wind scar! (Uses Phoenix as a shield)

Phoenix: Hey! (Kicks Crystal in the shin)

Crystal: ARG!

**Bloom Flower**:

Crystal: Tankies!

Phoenix: (Mumbling because she's tied up)

Crystal: Hehehehehehe.


	7. KaedeMonkey

Disclaimer: We do not own Inuyasha, the Wizard of Oz or the fez hat wearing monkey.

Crystal: Due to the fact that we are lazy, we have injected a monkey-

Phoenix: (Glares) He's a fez hat wearing ape! We borrowed him from the Wicked Witch of the West!

Crystal: She's a friend of Phoenix…Not a surprise!

Phoenix: His name is George and she WAS friend until that damn do-gooder Dorothy hosed her! DAMN THE GOODY TWO SHOES IN THE WORLD!

Crystal: Ummm... Isn't Canada a goody two shoe?

Phoenix: But that was stated by Homer. Everyone knows he's dumb. And for all we know Canada is developing artificially intelligent robots armed with nuclear weapons, making them plan to take over the world.

Crystal: You're planning that aren't you?

Phoenix: Everyone wants to take over the world. I'm the first person who knows how to.

Crystal: That is surprisingly true, (muttering) considering the fact that the teachers are ' mysteriously' disappearing.

* * *

**Kaede Krap (Not spelled right but….EH!)**

A monkey appeared. "Oooh Ahh, Oooh Ahh, Oooh Ahh!" (Trans: Know your stars, Know your stars, Know your stars)

"A monkey? Should I be insulted?" Kaede blinked.

(Loud noise from backstage, "He's an Ape!" You can guess who it was.)

"Oook…..Ak Ik Kaak!" (Trans: Kaede…..she is a super model)

Kaede giggled. "Oh well, I did dabble in the field but-''

"You're supposed to insult her," Crystal whipped the monkey. "Get back to work or you'll be in the land mine before you can say banana…which you can't in the first place so……yeah."

"AKKK!" (Trans: I know my rights! I don't even get paid!)

Phoenix pondered for a moment. "What would you do with the money? Buy bananas?"

"Akk, Mikk, Dak, Jok!" (Trans: I would buy you a house!)

Phoenix teared up. "Aww, Really? Crystal lets not kill him, let's keep him!"

"No! Get back to work!" Crystal whipped him again.

The monkey muttered. "Ak drak eeekkk." (Trans: Jackass! I should start a union!)

Kaede raised her hand. "Can we get back to me?"

"Oook…………ok nak looj smook foow!" (Trans: Kaede………….she smells like feet)

"When you hang around Inuyasha, it happens!" Kaede nodded.

(Noise from backstage, "I do NOT smell like feet!")

Crystal sighed. "This getting old! You, monkey! Go back to the land mines with your little monkey friends!"

The monkey growled. "What the hell! What makes you think you can fire me!" He lunged at Crystal.

Phoenix gasped. "He spoke! Wow, I gotta think about this a while! She pondered as Crystal got mauled by a crazed monkey.

"Help-"

The monkey swiped her. "Akkk! Shut up!"

Meanwhile Phoenix was still pondering, "Hmm." She noticed that suddenly the noises stop. "Crystal?"

Crystal was sitting on top of monkey who was tied and gagged. "Yes?" She wiped away blood from one of her many scratches.

"When did that happen?" Phoenix sweat dropped.

The monkey grumbled. "Crazy-ass bitch."

"Bad monkey! What a dirty mouth you have! What shall I do with you?" Crystal said with an evil gleam in her eyes.

"Give him to me!" Phoenix said smiling evilly. "I have BIG plans!"

"No! I beg of you, if you have a good bone in your body, don't give me to her!" The monkey begged.

Crystal thought for a second. "Good bone? Phoenix, do I have a good bone?"

"Nope!"

Crystal smiled. "I thought so. Here!" And she gave the crying monkey to Phoenix.

"Yayy! Now I have someone to test my experiments on since my last guinea pig "disappeared."" Phoenix cheered.

"Wasn't he the one after he threatened to go to the police?"

"No, It's the one who wandered into my room and never came out."

"Oh."

The monkey was now sobbing hard. "Wahhhh, don't do this to me!"

"Don't worry; you'll be in my safest experiment!"

Crystal interrupted. "Didn't you get rid of that after no one died from it?"

"Oh yeah! All I have left is the "Killer" the "Super Mega Killer" and the "Supreme Killer.""

The monkey fainted.

"What are you girls, Demons?" Kaede asked.

Crystal was silent for a moment. "I don't know, maybe a form of alligator?"

Phoenix shook her head. "I always thought rat."

"Eh, whatever, my 'rents are human. But I think I was dropped on there door step by some thing who knew what I would become!"

"Yup!"

* * *

**Cooking Show**

Crystal: Today we will be making-

(Black out to a police station)

Police officer #1: Look, our little menace alarms have been activated!

Police officer #2: Yeah, it's Phoenix and Crystal and…………they're TOGHETHER!

Police officer#3: Oh God!

Police officer #1: Let's go! S.W.A.T teams! (Calls all officers) All officers, we need assistance it's……THEM!

Officers: OH NO! Get the chief!

Michael Jackson: Someone call me?

Police officer: Cr- Crystal and Ph- Phoenix are….together.

Michael: No! (Drops nose from shock) My nose! Get down men and find my nose!

Police officers: But what about th- th- them!

Michael: Just find my nose first!

(Let's just say it didn't end well)

* * *

Crystal: all together now!

Everyone in the fic: MMMMM I LOVE TURTLES!

* * *

**Reviewer Responses**

**(Theme song)**

**_Review time! Review time! _**

**_Telling us what you want!_**

**_And we might answer!_**

**_Not likely but whatever!_**

**_It's not like anybody caaaaaaares!_**

**Kagome's Girl:**

**Phoenix: AHH! A restraining order! **

**Crystal: Finally!**

**Bloom Flower:**

**Crystal: You're welcome! (Whispers) The law requires us to answer everybody….but thank you anyway!**

**Aria Michelle:**

**Crystal: (Le gasp)**

**Phoenix: (Faints)**

**Crystal: ………..I'm in shock…….**

**Phoenix: And I fainted!**

**(PS: The answer is no)**


	8. Naraku is what?

Crystal: We had to re-write the chappie 'cause we wrote it in paper and not on the compie.

Phoenix: Stupid, huh?

Crystal: But we remembered most of the stuff.

Phoenix: So review…..at some point…..

(All of a sudden a chicken flies into the room and settles on Phoenix's head)

Crystal: Isn't that dinner?

Phoenix: I believe it is...I should never have left this (censored) bird with my (censored) sister. I'm going to (censored) kick her ass. (More things that even censors can't cover)

Crystal: I knew being stranded on an island for two years would come in handy.

Chicken: Bawk! Babawk! (Trans: That makes no sense)

Crystal: …..Shut up.

Phoenix: (Takes out ray gun and aims at her own head) Time for the chicken to go bye bye!

Crystal: Nooooooooo!

Phoenix: (Pulls trigger)

Disclaimer: The evil lawyers are making us put this here so here we go. We don't own Inuyasha; we only own…..nothing……that's depressing…..well, now we have to go whip some monkeys. Bye!

* * *

**Naraku is what?**

"Know your stars, Know your stars, Know your stars…."

Naraku looked around. "What matter of place is this?"

"Hmm, well it could be a torturing area or a dungeon….." Phoenix said.

"But we prefer 'Phoenix and Crystal's area of perfectly LEGAL happenings.'" Crystal finished.

"Anyways, Naraku……he has a monkey fetish."

"You can prove nothing." Naraku said calmly.

"Naraku…..he wears a pink tutu."

Naraku giggled. "I loved my tutu!" He brought out a picture of a monkey boy in a tutu.

"But when I was younger some kids would make fun of me all the time" he whimpered.

"Poor you," Crystal said absent-mindedly.

"They threw sticks and stones, which broke my bones and their words…..they hurt me!" Naraku said, sobbing.

"Did you get back at them?" Phoenix said teary-eyed.

"Of course I did! Who do you think I am, Inuyasha? Anyways, this boy was calling me a gay fag...so I shot him." Naraku said, saying the last part with a creepy voice and evil look upon his face. All of a sudden it got freakishly cheerful. "Anyways, aren't I cute!"

"…..Yes…..cute….." Crystal said.

"Oh! Very cute," Phoenix said, happily.

"Naraku... is a gay fag." Crystal said, bored.

Naraku let out a huge gasp. "How dare you call me that!"

"Should I be afraid?"

"Yes you should."

"Well, maybe I should send you back to where you came from!" Crystal said, raising a fist.

"No! Not the zoo!"

Crystal blinked. "The…..zoo?"

"Yes," Naraku sobbed. "The zoo! The penguins were psychotic and the…." He mumbled the rest.

"Yes…..?"

"The hippo's were….mean to me!" Naraku started to sob harder.

Crystal thought for a moment (Phoenix: A moment longer then she's ever thought in her whole life). "But, who put you there?"

Meanwhile Phoenix backed away.

"My mommy did!"

"Who's your mommy?" Crystal asked.

Naraku pointed to Phoenix. "She is!"

"Phoenix? the mother of Naraku!" Crystal gasped.

Phoenix laughed nervously. "Eheheheh….hi, honey." She looked at Crystal and sighed. "Okay, a few years back I was trolling the neighborhood, looking for hobos when I saw Naraku in the orphanage. He just looked so cute, fogging up the windows with his poison gas."

Naraku launched himself at the camera. "I still love you, mommy!"

"AW!" Phoenix hugged the camera.

Crystal sweatdropped, "Well, does anyone else feel sorry for the cameras?"

"I have a present for you Mommy!"

"Really?" Phoenix asked.

"Yes!" Naraku sent something in a box up the chute.

Phoenix tore through the present. "It's Shippo's tail!" She lifted it up. "Wait, no it's not! It's Shippo!"

Crystal poked him. "Did he have any air in there?"

"Damn it! I forgot the air!" Naraku hit himself on the forehead.

"Poor, poor Shippo……oh, well, I'm over it!" Phoenix said cheerfully. She leaned into the microphone. "Security? Call the zoo dudes."

"NOO! Mommy, I thought you loved me!" Naraku cried as he was pulled away.

"Don't worry, honey! I'll visit you!" (Phoenix: Yeah, right...)

* * *

Crystal: Hello people! .

Phoenix: Ignore her. She's possessed.

Crystal: (Glares) Anyways, today we will be making Jaken fingers!

Phoenix: But first we need Jaken (Takes out Jaken)

Jaken: What are you going to do to me, you wretched girls!

Phoenix: (Shifty eyes) Nothing...(Gags him)

Crystal: And we need Jaken's finger so...

Phoenix: We chop 'em off! (Chops off his finger)

Crystal: And knock him out before he calls the police! (Knocks him out and locks him in a broom closet)

Phoenix: Now, we fry his fingers (Fries his fingers) for about 20 minutes

**20 minutes later**

Crystal: They're done! (Takes a bite) Ugh! These taste like shit!

Phoenix: Are you saying you've eaten shit?

Crystal: It's a metaphor!

Phoenix: Suuuuuuuuuuuuure...

Crystal: I don't think we want to know where his fingers have been for the past few days (Shudders)

Phoenix: You're not alone. You're not alone. YAY! PEPTO BISMOL!

Crystal: Nausea, heart burn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea!

Phoenix: YAY! PEPTO BISMOL!

* * *

_**Review time! Review time! **_

_**Telling us what you want!**_

_**And we might answer!**_

_**Not likely but whatever!**_

_**It's not like anybody caaaaaaares!**_

Kagome's Girl: Don't worry….they'll come…hehehehe…..

Lovelykaedeinufan: We plan for it soon. Probably in two chapters!

Alanna-the-tai-youkai: Jaken is actually very soon! You'll LOVE it!


	9. Kikyo!

Crystal: I know we said we have this out soon but things came up!

Phoenix: My computers constipated!

Crystal: She lost the old copy of the Kikyo chapter…..

Phoenix: My _computer _lost it!

Crystal: No difference!

Phoenix: There is so!

Crystal There is not!

Phoenix: Is so!

Crystal: Is not! (This might go on for awhile so go ahead and read the chapter. REVIEW!)

Disclaimer: Blah blah blah……….blah…

* * *

**The Kikyo chapter (Heheheh...this will be fun...)**

Kikyo walked in and sat on the chair. "Why have you summoned me here?"

"Kikyo….she's a bitch." Crystal said making faces at the dead miko.

"What? I don't get a Know Your Stars?"

"You don't deserve a Know Your Stars! Mmmm-hhmmmm!" she snapped her fingers.

"Why, you!" Kikyo pushed her against the wall.

"Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" Phoenix chanted.

All of a sudden Jerry Springer appeared. "You called?"

"Kikyo…..she's in love with Jerry Springer!"

"Oh! The humanity! It's the Apocalypses! It's coming!" and Jerry jumped out a window.

Phoenix sweat dropped. "That's what I would've done."

Kikyo growled and jumped on Crystal's back with a toy hammer in her hands. "Take that!"

"Ahh! Phoenix, help me!"

Phoenix squealed happily and jumped on Kikyo's back who was on Crystal's back.

"That doesn't help!"

"But it's fuuuuuuuuuuuun." Phoenix whined.

"That's it!" Crystal yelled.

**(Backstage)**

"Whoa! I never knew Kikyo had it in her!" Kouga said, staring at the T.V. screen.

"Yeah…." Inuyasha blinked. 'Maybe I should re-think going out with Kagome….Kikyo would hurt me….'

**(Back to the stage)**

"Well now that we have contained Kikyo, we'll continue." Crystal said smiling next to the tied up and gagged body of Kikyo.

"One minute." Phoenix bent over and gave Kikyo a wet willie. "Ah, my life's complete."

"Anyway…..Kikyo….." Crystal began.

"She humps trees for a living."

Kikyo grunted and wiggled in protest.

"Shut up!" Crystal hit her over the head with a stage hand.

"Kikyo….."

"She loves to watch old men change."

Kikyo spat out the gag, "I do not!"

Phoenix stared at her. "I'm getting bored of her."

"Me too."

Phoenix smiled. "Shall I?"

"Go ahead."

"Go ahead with what?" Kikyo asked, panicked.

"You'll see." Phoenix picked Kikyo up and walked towards a door. "Say hello to Robert."

"Robert? Who's Robert?"

Phoenix opened the door and threw Kikyo in. "Our alligator."

"We haven't fed him in a while." Crystal said, waving goodbye to the dead clay pot.

"And that is the end of the show! I have to go visit the old people in the hospital for…reasons…." Phoenix said with shifty eyes.

Crystal glanced at her. "And I have to go and bother our producer for larger paychecks."

"…Wait, by 'bother' do you mean…"

"Torture? Yes."

* * *

**Cooking Show**

Crystal: Today, we will be making Myouga snacks!

Phoenix: First we take this sack filled with dead Myouga's!

Crystal: …Dead Myougas?

Phoenix: You did kill them, right?

Crystal: …..

Phoenix: (Looks inside the sack) ACK! (Myouga's jump out)

Crystal: No! Get them back in there!

(Myouga's running around everywhere)

Phoenix: Ahhh!

(Five minutes later)

Myougas: All hail the Queen!

Phoenix: Yes, yes. Hail me. Servant, come rub my foot.

Crystal: (Walks in) Stupid….Phoenix…gonna….kill….

Phoenix: Hush! You want to lose your dental plan!

Crystal: That's it! (Stabs Phoenix) Now, I'm you're Queen!

Myougas: (Look at each other and shrug) All hail the new Queen!

Phoenix: I knew I needed body guards….. (Dies)

* * *

**_Review time! Review time!_**

**_Telling us what you want!_**

**_And we might answer!_**

**_Not likely but whatever!_**

**_It's not like anybody caaaaares!_**

WeaselChick: Crystal: Thank you! Thank you!

KikyoMustDieAPainfulDeath: Phoenix: I _love _the name!

kitty-inuyasha: Crystal: Here is your wish!

lalalalala2: Phoenix: Yay!

The Black Moon: Crystal: Update soon...well, better late then never, right? (Sweatdrops)

blackcat686: Phoenix: Thankies!

Bloom Flower: Crystal: Ah, baby Naraku...what a scary thought...

lovelykeadeinufan: Phoenix: WHEEE!

Inukgirl: Crystal: Her! My friend...oh, god. She is my friend...that's so sad...

Kagome's Girl: Phoenix: I can definitly get you some tickets but I have to warn you that the zoo doesn't take responsibitly if you lose anything...like your life...

kittycatslegacy: Crystal: Thank you!

chibi sakura blossom: Phoenic: (Shifty eyes) Yes...soon...

**__**


	10. Mmm tastes like chicken

Crystal: Hiiiiiiiiiiii, Gutan Tag, Konnichiwa, Bonjour!

Phoenix: She just had an Oh Henry

Crystal: (Giggles)

Phoenix: (Rolls eyes) Anyhow, we will be talking-

Crystal: Talking!

Phoenix: Ok, torturing Jaken, Sesshy's man servant. Lucky bastard!

Crystal: What's wrong with you, you're….. (Shudder) calm today!

Phoenix: My mother made me take those pills that (Shifty eyes) "mysteriously" disappeared.

Crystal: Scary!

* * *

**  
****Jaken Jeopardy**

"Know your stars, Know your stars, Know your-" Crystal began.

All of a sudden Phoenix came out of nowhere wearing only a towel singing. "We're a happy family, with a great big hug and a ki…" she looked up, "…EEEEEEEEEP!" and dove into another room.

"Ok...? That was VERY scary!" Crystal sweatdropped.

"You said we we're off today!" Phoenix said, glaring as she came out dressed.

Crystal whistled innocently. "Did I? Oh, I guess I lied."

Phoenix glared harder. "We will NEVER speak of this again!"

"Oh, I won't but what about him?" She pointed at Jaken.

"He better keep quite or my friends, the Knuckles, will be paying him a visit."

Jaken looked up at the girl. "Do you think you can threaten me, you weak human!"

Phoenix laughed maniacally. "Who says I'm human!"

Crystal nodded. "It's true; there are times where I doubt it!"

Jaken sniffed. "Feh, I can smell that human stench from here, you're both human!"

"Wow, I wish I had extra-sensitive smell………..no wait, forget it, I'd probably pass out from Crystal's stench!" Phoenix sighed.

Crystal growled. "Stench! At least I don't smell like monkey butt!"

"Hey, when you raise Naraku that smell sticks, okay!"

Jaken scoffed. "YOU raised Naraku?"

"I know, I always thought he just appeared out of a pile of chemical goo." Crystal said.

"I don't think there's much of a difference between goo and your crazy friend!"

"HEY!" Phoenix yelled.

Crystal nodded, "Yeah, hey! Who says she's my friend! I'll kill 'em!"

Phoenix teared up. "I'm being ganged up on! WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

"Aw, it's alright. It's not your fault I don't like you…………wait, yes it is!" Crystal smiled, happily.

"Aren't you supposed to be interviewing me?" Jaken said, interrupting them.

Phoenix smiled. "Okay!"

"Wow, mood swings." Crystal muttered.

"Jaken…" Phoenix started.

"His best friend is Rin!" Crystal finished.

"No!"

"Jaken…"

"He WUV'S Inuyasha!" (A/N: Who doesn't?)

"No, that mongrel!"

"Jaken…"

Crystal grinned. "He serves Ah-Un!"

"No!"

"Jaken…"

"He is straight!"

"No! Wait……….damn!"

Phoenix laughed. "We got him!"

"I love that game, it never gets old!"

Jaken glared. "You wretched girls! You tricked me!"

"Yup, don't you just love us?" Phoenix smiled.

Jaken just grumbled.

"Jaken…" Phoenix started again.

"He is hot for Sesshy's body!" (A/N: Aren't we all (Sigh))

"I would do anything for my Lord."

Phoenix froze. "I'll pretend I didn't hear that!"

Crystal shuddered. "Me too."

"Humph!"

Phoenix paused for a moment. "You know I just thought of something…"

"It's a miracle!" Crystal grinned.

Phoenix just glared. "ANYWAY, if we fried Jaken, since he's a toad, would he taste like chicken?"

Crystal pondered. "I don't know, want to find out?"

Jaken broke out in sweat.

"OK!" Phoenix pressed a button.

"AGGGRRRRHHHH!" Jaken got zapped and all that is left was a little girl in pink.

Crystal's eyes boggled. "That's new!"

"Ummm, what happened to Jaken?" Phoenix asked.

"Jaken ate me, thanks for freeing me!" The girl skipped away, happily.

"OK? That was really random, even for us!" Crystal said.

Phoenix thought for a moment. "I wonder how that little girl would taste." She pondered and then went after her.

Crystal was left speechless.

* * *

**Cooking Show**

Crystal: Howdy doo, my-

Phoenix: AHEM!

Crystal: (Laughs nervously) OUR readers!

Phoenix: (Smiles into camera.) Today we will be making annoying people pizza from different animes!

Crystal: First we start of with Meilin from CCS!

Phoenix: (Grabs her from pantry and drags her by her annoying pigtails)

Crystal: Now, open the door to the Zombie room, I don't feel like killing so let's get Zombie Li to do it!

Phoenix: (Pushes Meilin into closet)

(Screams are heard followed by loud moans.)

Crystal: Now pull her out.

Phoenix: (Pulls out dead Meilin, who is missing her brain) Huh, he must have been hungry!

Crystal: Well, we did forget to feed him for 2 weeks!

Phoenix: Eh!

Crystal: Now we slice her and stuff her in the bin-

(Some guys come in and lift Crystal off her feet)

Guy #1: Crystal?

Crystal: Yeah?

Guy #2: You are here by arrested for an attempt on the president, you and your anti-government group will be held until further notice!

Crystal: But I'm not in an anti-government group Phoenix is! (Looks at her) You did this!

Phoenix: You made fun of me! Have a fun time in jail! Byeeeee!

(Crystal is led out cursing Phoenix's face off)

* * *

**Review time! Review time!**

**Telling us what you want!**

**And we might answer!**

**Not likely but whatever!**

**It's not like anybody caaaaares!**

chibi sakura blossom: And here he is!

WeaselChick: Why thank you!

kitty-inuyasha: Sorry!

lalalalala2: Sorry! But I hope you enjoy this…(Sweat drops)

blackcat686: Thanks!


	11. Kerazy Kanna

Crystal: Hi, We're baa- (Sees Phoenix glare at her) I mean Hello, we have returned.

Phoenix: That's better!

Crystal: Anyway, we will be bashing…...Kanna!

Phoenix: Oh, you'll LOVE this! (Smiles evilly) Mwhahahahahahahaha!

Crystal: You haven't taken your pills today, have you?

Phoenix: My pills have "mysteriously" disappeared.

Crystal: Mmmhhmm, anyhoo, on with the show.

* * *

**Ker-azy Kanna**

Crystal smiled into the camera. "Know your stars, know your stars, know your st-" she got interrupted as large, burly men barged in.

"We represent the Know Your Stars Company and our employers have sent us to check if your using their product illegally." said Large Man #1.

Phoenix pondered. "Soooo, if you don't go back to them with your report we go off scot free?"

Large man #2 faltered. "Uh, yes but-"

"Do you want to or should I?" Crystal said, looking at Phoenix

"Oh, by all means go ahead."

Crystal smiled. "Thanks! Come on, boys. We have a lot to talk about!" she took the men outside.

(Bang! Bang! Bang! "Noooooooooooooooooooo")

Crystal walked in, smiling.

Phoenix nodded. "Now that _that_ is taken care of, let's continue."

Crystal started. "Kanna……she is a card carrying member of the Happy People, Happy Planet Club."

"Ewwwwwwwwww! Those people are freaks!" Phoenix shivered.

Kanna shook her fist. "Hey, we are just visionaries to a new future!"

"Pssh! Yeah, sure! You're just a bunch of sissies singing "Kumbaya."" Phoenix said, giving her a superior look.

"Shut up!"

"Now that's not very nice is it, Miss. Happy Planet?" Phoenix sighed, now giving her a disappointed look.

Kanna just grumbled.

Crystal broke in. "Kanna………she is a feminist."

Phoenix shook her head. "That's no good, I'm a feminist!"

"All feminist do is cause trouble!"

Phoenix glared. "I cause trouble! Wait……no…… that's right."

"Hmm, Well, I think that is quite stupid!"

"Stupid! Your stupid, stupid!" Phoenix gasped.

Crystal stuck her tongue out. "Stupid!"

"You're so stupid maybe I don't want to be friends with you anymore!"

Kanna grinned. "Ooooooohhhhh! I wish I had some popcorn to go with this entertainment!"

Crystal walked one way. "Fine!"

"Fine!" Phoenix walked the other way.

(5 seconds later)

"Crystal?"

"Phoenix?"

"I'm sorry!" They both cried.

Crystal sighed. "Now, that was random! Anyway, Kanna…….."

"You finally remember I'm still here!"

"Is a-" A phone suddenly rang.

Crystal got on the phone. "Hold on. Hello? Oh, that's wonderful!"

Phoenix poked her curiously. "Who is it!"

"It's Amal!"

Phoenix gave her a disbelieving look. "Why would my sister call you?"

"Our trap worked we caught him!"

Kanna cut in. "Caught who?"

Phoenix smiled in realization. "Sesshy!"

"He ran right into the trap!" Crystal said, nodding.

"Who knew Sesshy loved apple pie so much!"

Crystal raised her hand. "I didn't."

Phoenix giggled. "Oh yeah, Kanna……………Is in love with her mirror!"

"What! Untrue!" Kanna gasped.

Crystal thought for a moment. "Technically, she'd be in love with herself in the mirror, right?"

Kanna nodded. "Yeah, that's right!"

"Eh, she is still crazy!" Phoenix shrugged.

"Am not, I'm just unique!"

Crystal whispered to Phoenix. "In other words kookoo kookoo!" she made a crazy motion with her finger.

Phoenix smirked.

Crystal sighed again. "I guess we should end it here! Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" she took a breath.

"eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Phoenix finshed.

They both grinned. "See how synchronized we are!"

* * *

**Cooking Show**

Crystal: We will be making, my wonderful reviewers, Naraku cake!

Phoenix: First we take Naraku. (Takes out Naraku)

Naraku: Mommy!

Crystal: And smush him up.

Naraku: What! No! (Clings to Phoenix)

Phoenix: Aw, do we have to cook him?

Crystal: Do you want to eat brussel sprouts?

Phoenix: (Pushes Naraku into the smusher-upper)

Naraku: I still love you….ACK! (Dies)

Crystal: Now we put him into the other cake batter.

Phoenix: And cook him for 25 minutes.

* * *

We've hit 50 reviews! Woo hoo! Here are the responses for chapter 10. 

_**Review time! Review time!** _

_**Telling us what you want!**_

_**And we might answer!**_

_**Not likely but whatever!**_

_**It's not like anybody caaaaares!**_

Black Rose and Rubber Ducky: Wow….long….

WeaselChick: Why, thank you, it was very obvious that Jaken was gay. Stupid, little toad….

blackcat686: Thanks! (Hugs you)

DarkInu777: Here it is! The next chapter!

chibi sakura blossom: Hmm….Jakotsu, Renkotsu, basically all of the Band of Seven and some others.

Shel: Must. Resist. Cute. Eyes. It's not Souta but we got it out!

Lovelykeadeinufan: Nice…..

kitty-inuyasha: Ooh, coolio. I like that….


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